Those of you with a few years under their belt and a long memory may recall the fanzine Y’Army, which I was privileged to work on with Dave Greenwood and the late, great Jon Day.
One of the staple articles in Y’Army was The Headmasters Report, written by yours truly with the name-based pun very much intended. Archant produced their own version a few weeks ago, and whilst I claim no proprietorial issues, quite frankly they didn’t do it right, so let’s correct that right now, old-school style…
Headmasters Report 2016-17
Ruddy, J B
A very popular boy if the end-of-term goodbyes are anything to go by, Ruddy has had a year of highs and lows. Whilst he lost his place in the firsts on occasion he has remained mostly dependable and will be missed next year as he continues his education at another school.
McGovern, M D
A favourite of Mr Neil’s, McGovern has yet to be called the best boy ever worked with by any other teacher. Whilst McGovern always tries hard, he has an unerring knack for getting into trouble, particularly when he plays with Bennett. I am yet to discern whom leads who astray there.
Pinto, I A-
Pinto was the new boy last term and he looked initially lost which gave us grave concerns as to whether he would thrive here. However this term he has settled marvellously and been a credit to the school. A hard worker and enthusiastic he has particularly flourished in I.T. and has become a popular member of class.
Whittaker, S C+
In previous years Whittaker had seen his grades drop to unacceptable levels and so this year we called on him less in class. To be fair, Whittaker has performed adequately when he has been asked to provide answers to difficult questions, and is another we will miss next year for his manner and application.
Dijks, M A-
Our foreign exchange student has been a breath of fresh air. I had to check his transfer information several times to make sure he was the same age as the students he was competing against as he often looks a man against boys. A popular figure it remains unclear whether he will return next year.
Martin R C-
Our Head Boy has exemplary leadership qualities but has consistently produced underwhelming work in class. Whilst always mature enough to own up to his mistakes he must show that he has learned from them if he wishes to retain his place in the first eleven. He waits to see how favourably next year’s teacher looks upon him, as do we all.
Turner, M Ungraded
I was shocked to find this boy was still on the register! Apparently he has spent the past year in sick bay with the fat wheezy boys who have a note from Matron.
Bassong, S C-
Once one of our brightest pupils and a previous Head Boy, Bassong has lost his way somewhat. Whilst he has always had potential his concentration is often lacking and his daredevil attitude has terrified us on many an occasion. Sent us a lovely note upon graduation and we wish him all the best in his future endeavours.
Klose T C
Did so well in the top set last year it has been surprising to see him struggle at times with what should be easier work. Tends to let himself be intimidated by the bigger boys. Will need to show improvement next term if he remains or his grades will pull the class down.
Bennett, R D-
Bennett has struggled this term and though many previous teachers have lauded his potential he has been found wanting often this year. Not the brightest of pupils his decision making and concentration have let him down on many occasions. Bennett has been removed from the school in order to pursue his studies at a more remedial level.
Godfrey, B C
Has showed great promise in the brief opportunities he has been afforded. Mr Neil was reluctant to move him on from the juniors but next term we expect him to shine.
Thompson, L B
After taking a long time to settle in the school and playing the waiting game to wait for Mr Neil to notice him, Thompson impressed everyone with his energy and attitude. Injury prevented him from blossoming further but we eagerly await him returning after his recovery.
Tettey, A C-
As one of the senior boys he was expected to provide a strong presence and support the weaker lads. However his inability to consistently master the basics makes him as culpable as any other. A very poor year.
Mulumbu, Y D
In a year where he could have shone, Mulumbu disappeared into the shadows. Opportunities were there and prior to Christmas there were signs he was making progress but his holiday to Africa in January, (where I gather he did very little) brought an end to that. Another who will not be with us next term and who has failed to meet his potential.
Dorrans, G B-
Spent much of the year hovering around the sick bay with a variety of minor ailments which have been frustrating for everyone. He has demonstrated his considerable creative talents when he has been well, although they are underpinned by a fragility that tends to come to the fore when the going gets tough.
Howson, J B+
Howson has maintained a good standard for much of the year and produced one or two highlights that will be long remembered in school history. Whilst he shares some culpability in terms of our collective inability to shield those boys struggling in the back of the class, he is also instrumental in our successes too. A key pupil for next year.
Hoolahan, W A-
A very popular pupil entering his final year before graduating, he was awarded our highest honour at the end of year awards. Whilst he displays less stamina than in previous years he still produces work of a quality that others can only dream of recreating, and maintains an exemplary work rate.
Pritchard, A A-
Despite being the smallest boy in the entire school, his lack of stature is in no way linked to his abilities. Mr Neil was reluctant to put young Pritchard in with the bigger boys but since Mr Irvine took over the class he has cemented his place as possibly the most talented boy in the school.
Maddison, J B+
Another young man with a big future. His exchange visit to Aberdeen showed his potential and I remain confident that next year we will see much more of him.
Naismith, S C+
One of the senior boys, he tries to lead by example with a prodigious work rate and a passion to succeed. However, his hard work rarely pays off with tangible results and if he is still with us next year we must find a method of getting the best from him on a regular basis.
Wildschut, Y C
Joined the school with a big reputation but little has been seen to back that reputation up in his time with us. We will closely monitor his progress next year as he struggles to settle in.
Jarvis, M Ungraded
Another that has found himself being coddled by Matron whilst the other boys worked and played he will hope for a return to health next year.
Murphy, Ja A
A marvellous first full year considering it was his first time away from the juniors. Murphy Ja has excelled in the early part of the year, impressing schools across the land with his scores. A touch of fatigue set in later in the year and he was plagued with inconsistency, but overall an excellent beginning to his time at our school.
Murphy, Jo B+
Murphy Jo’s year was almost the exact reverse of his brother’s. Given a stern admonishment by Mr Neil for his lack of effort, his fitful appearances in class were punctuated by moments of real endeavour, whilst at other times he was practically invisible. Towards the end of term however he was one of the most impressive boys in the whole school. If he begins next season in the same vein his future is very bright indeed.
Jerome, C A-
Extremely unlucky not to win honours at the end of year awards, Jerome has stuck to his tasks superbly this year. At times he was the only boy able to say that he had done his best and he can be rightly proud of his efforts on behalf of both himself and the school.
Oliviera, N B+
It took a long time for our new boy from Portugal to settle this year but when he did he has been splendid. Confident in his abilities, he can at times be a little too direct and selfish but he has done more than enough to justify his place at the head of the class.
Lafferty, K C-
The class clown. Mr Neil never took to Lafferty’s antics, and even less so Mr Irvine. Despite his unruly behaviour and questionable use of the IT suite to harangue others, he has always worked hard and tried his best when called upon. We wish him well at his new school and feel sure he will bring them as much humour as he brought us.
We look forward to a more settled and successful year when we return in August.