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If they ring about the chicken and the leotard, tell them I'm not in, OK?

28th November 2007 By Charlie Wyett Leave a Comment

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In a week when English football became the laughing stock of football, it was ironic we should be drawn against a country synonymous with a leotard-wearing comedian sporting dodgy facial hair.

As a tabloid journalist, and having being given the odd assignment from time-to-time, I found myself staring at the phone with trepidation after we were drawn against a certain country in the 2010 World Cup qualifiers.

Phone rings: 'Charlie, we need you to go to Kazakhstan tomorrow. We want you to wear a leotard, false moustache, and don't forget the chicken in a suitcase. Give us a ring when you get there.”

End of call.

For those of you who have not seen the film, Borat unleashes a chicken on the New York metro and I must admit to having since wondered the reaction of the suits on the Central line at 8.30am on a Monday morning if someone did the same in London.

Anyway, the conversation with my sports desk has yet to happen – and hopefully it will never will – although there's little doubt that someone, somewhere, will be put on this dreadful mission.

The fact our country is even having to play a game of football in the city of Almaty, only a few hours from the Chinese border, typifies the idiots who run FIFA.

The fact they are sending the World Cup to South Africa, one of the most dangerous countries in the world, typifies the pathetic regime under Sepp Blatter who will surely end up having blood on his hands.

Equally, after that, Brazil has been given the finals even though it is simply not equipped to stage a tournament which sees 500,000-plus supporters descend on it for a few weeks.

Having been there for the F1 race a few weeks ago, Sao Paulo is now so dangerous that drivers are now allowed to go through red lights at night – albeit slowly – due to the fact there are 35 murders in the city each day along with numerous other kidnappings and gun-point muggings.

Clearly, FIFA believe that in both South Africa and Brazil, the vast number of football fans with expensive cameras, brand new mobile phones and fat wallets will be left alone. Obviously…

But while those in charge of FIFA are not fit to run the game, our current thoughts are with those in Soho Square who seem equally incapable of organising a couple of drinks in a brewery.

Quite how Brian Barwick remains in a job at the FA is something of a mystery, but then we shouldn't be too surprised as the game's governing body is an old-boy's network answerable to no-one.

For example, how the hell is Bolton chairman Phil Gartside allowed to become involved on the FA board selecting the new manager?

Unbelievably, Gartside employed an agent to facilitate the arrival of a new manager at the Reebok when surely, it couldn't have been too difficult to press a few digits into a phone and ring Gary Megson.

So if Gartside can't pick his own manager properly, why should he be able to do it for England?

So, the hunt for a new man begins, but I can't see beyond Fabio Capello.

Not a bad choice. He's experienced, is a good tactician and has won League titles with Milan, Roma and Real Madrid (even though he was sacked in Spain for being too defensive).

But like Harry Redknapp and Steve Coppell, he has not managed an international team so in many ways, he will still be stepping into the unknown.

Jose Mourinho has also thrown his hat into the ring after initially insisting he was not interested. But I wonder whether he is being just a little mischievious.

Now, here's a thought, although many of you may disagree.

For my paper, I ghost-write Ian Wright and maybe controversially, he says Glenn Hoddle should be given a second chance.

While Hoddle does not feature among Ladbrokes' top 23 candidates, Wrighty believes he is one of the few men who could get the best out of this over-hyped team.

Let me make it clear that Wrighty is hardly mates with Hoddle yet he still speaks highly of his former manager.

Playing under him for England, they had numerous arguments, although in his own words: 'Hoddle fell out with everyone…”

He used to dig out David Beckham, Stan Collymore and most of the other players when he felt they were not giving their all in training, let alone in matches.

Quoting our man, Wrighty said: “In training, he would sometimes stop and say: 'You are the best 22 players in this country and you can't even do this drill properly…'”

Admittedly, Hoddle was flash, yet he would always tell the players what a privilege it was to play for England and how they should perform at all times.

Maybe this current bunch, who are no way near as good as they think they are, need a few home truths.

Clearly, Hoddle will not be our next manager as there is no chance that Barwick and Co would have the bottle to make the appointment.

But while I am no fan of Hoddle, he would certainly have done a better job than McClaren.

Mind you, after Norwich's last two games, how about Glenn Roeder..?


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