With events about to take a serious turn, as pre-season ends and the real stuff begins, regular MFW contributor Alex Bain takes a humorous look at the Premier League, team-by-team, with each being allocated a TV show and a song, as well as looking at the likely longevity of the manager and a finishing position…
Before I begin, these are just light-hearted opinions, so let’s hope no-one takes offence 🙂 Hopefully, we’ll get some humorous comments and opinions in reply and maybe some more suggestions.
TV Series: Benidorm – cheaper than Sandbank much warmer.
Manager: Eddie Howe’s future is as safe as houses.
Song: Kylie Minogue – I [They] Should Be So Lucky.
Finishing position: 12th.
TV Series: Golden Balls – wanted to be a big show but had a slow death. No staying power.
Manager: Unai Emery might see out his second season in the Premier League.
Song: The Monkees – Daydream Believer. Many promises given, very few fulfilled.
Finishing position: 6th – another season in the Europa League.
TV Series: Crossroads – built on shaky grounds.
Manager: Dean Smith may just be another ‘Fulham’ manager with lots of lower league experience, who has spent vast sums of other people’s money.
Song: Hey Big Spender(s) – Shirley Bassey.
Finishing position: 17th.
Brighton & Hove Albion
TV Series: Fawlty Towers – Some Basil-type decisions have been made off the field.
Manager: Graham Potter has experience in Sweden and started off well at Swansea. A big chance for him at Brighton but maybe a bit too early for him.
Song: Ken Dodd – Tears… once relegation is confirmed.
Finishing position: 19th.
TV series: Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em – lacking in ambition, happy just to stay in this league again.
Manager: Sean Dyche will be safe unless they get into the relegation zone for long periods.
Song: Stealers Wheel – Stuck in the Middle with You.
Finishing position: 15th.
TV Series: Made in Chelsea – lacking in real substance but can (or could) buy the best.
Manager: Usually short-term with no future planning. Maybe Lampard can change that but history suggests one bad run and he’s gone, no matter what promises have been given.
Song: ABBA – Money, Money, Money. Easy come easy go – got no respect for the club that until this season has bought titles and cups.
TV Series: Birds of a Feather – Trying to fend off the big spenders and think they are better than they are. In for a tough season.
Manager: Roy Hodgson – will he see it out? Maybe if Zaha isn’t sold.
Song: Sammy Hagar – Where Eagles Fly.
Finishing position: 18th.
TV Series: Z Cars – out-dated.
Manager: Marco Silva will see out the season unless he gets a better offer from a bigger club.
Song: Buddy Holly – Maybe Baby. They could win something, or not.
Finishing position: 8th.
TV Series: Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps
Manager: Brendan Rogers missed his chance at Liverpool to be top dog, went to Scotland to rebuild his career, but will soon jump ship if a top-six club comes calling.
Song: The Tremeloes – Even the Bad Times Are Good. Since the Srivaddhanaprabha family took over they have had great success but have now found their level.
Finishing Position: 9th.
TV Series: The Liver Birds – stuck in the past dreaming of what was.
Manager: Jurgen Klopp has had lots of money to spend and finally broken his trophy duck – might be his last season. Might need a sabbatical no matter what he wins and certainly plays the media well.
Song: Keith Urban – Blue Ain’t Your Colour. Liverpool will still finish the league behind a team with blue in their strip.
Finishing position: 3rd
TV Series: Billions – *very* well-financed by Abu Dhabi.
Manager: Pep is a serial winner – where would he go after this? No-one can compete financially.
Song: Spike Jones and City Slickers – The Sheik of Araby. Where all the money comes from!
Finishing position: 1st
TV Series: Monty Python – because since Fergie left it has been like a Flying Circus.
Manager: This will be an interesting season for club and for Ole. If he goes, who will be the next lamb to the slaughter? Or, is the club willing to spend big to get him the players he wants?
Song: Nicki Minaj – Win Again. Just think they might get a trophy this season.
Finishing position: 4th.
TV Series: Mr Selfridge – just sums up the owner.
Manager: Bruce was 11th choice – doesn’t say a lot for the others. Will he get the players he wants? Will Ashley sell up? It really could fall apart.
Song: Gazza (and Lindisfarne) – Fog on the Tyne. No one knows what’s coming.
Finish Position: 16th
TV Series: I’m Alan Partridge (of course).
Manager: Daniel Farke has built up enough credit to see the season out and go on for next season, whichever league we end up in.
Song: Blur – Parklife. What else?
Finishing position: 14th (that’s my heart saying that, not my head).
TV Series: Up North. Nothing is more ‘up north’ than Sheffield!
Manager: It still irks me that Wilder got Manager of the Season for finishing second. I think he will be found out this season on his tactics. Will whoever owns the club stick or twist if it is a bad start?
Song: Daniel Johns – Steel City Song.
Finishing position: 20th.
TV Series: El Dorado – Sun, Sea, Sand and Boats.
Manager: Ralph Hasenhuttl saved a poor season last time but can he build on it with the Chinese and Liebherr. Only time will tell.
Song: Lewis Watson – Sink or Swim. Could be that type of season for the club.
Finishing position: 13th.
TV Series: Only Fools and Horses – a wide boy in charge of the wheeling and dealing.
Manager: Mauricio Pochettino is building a new squad after a hit and miss season last time out. Should finish the season at the club but all depends on who else gets sacked and how much more he gets to spend.
Song: Eddie Cochran – Summertime Blues. Let’s get over them and kick on.
Finishing position: 2nd – here’s living in hope.
TV Series: The Good Life – goes against their neighbours’ way of doing things.
Manager: Javi Gracia against all the odds is still in charge. Will it last? Possibly. if progress continues.
Song: Elton John – Candle in the Wind. Always have hope.
Finishing position: 11th
West Ham United
TV Series: Eastenders – no-one seems really happy.
Manager: Manuel Pellegrini’s team? Or is it Gold/Sullivan getting players in and out? Could be gone if it is a poor start, then who will be next?
Song: Anthony Newley – Pop Goes the Weasel. Too many people in charge.
TV Series: Band of Gold – will pay anything for anyone.
Manager: Nuno Espírito Santo is another who you wonder if it is his team, with an agent getting all the players in. The agent will not get the sack if it all goes wrong but expect a bigger club to come calling.
Song: Spandau Ballet – Gold. Since the takeover, all is going well.
Finishing position: 10th.