Dean Smith has long been able to speak a language that is used only by a privileged few in the way that an adherent of the dark arts might use certain words during an important ritual to sacrifice a goat in order to ensure some evil spell proceeds along the correct lines.
Geezer Butler once told me that words such as tetragrammaton, ipsissimus and magi might well be used and while the devotees of the left-hand path will know their usual, everyday meaning the High Priest can bring them alive to the point whereby they take on a sacred context all of their own.
Smith is fluent in a tongue, variations of which are spoken by the select few in every footballing nation on earth, called Managerese***. He has become increasingly adept at it since his early studies at the Mike Bassett Academy in Walsall, West Midlands.
Managerese speakers are encouraged by Football Club Directors to use these linguistic skills in order to frustrate, obfuscate and proffer thin excuses for poor onfield performances to the unwashed peasants who know nothing about the game and are largely regarded as the enemy. Otherwise known as the Loyal Supporters, these Untermensch are considered an unwanted nuisance by clubs such as Norwich City FC.
Once their tithe, known as Season Ticket Revenue, has been paid into the Club coffers, anyway.
Managerese Rituals are known as Press Conferences, held with regularity both before and after football matches, recent examples include Blackburn Rovers [home], a fixture which was notable for a 2-0 defeat and all the wrong things for Canary supporters.
Before the Blackburn game and referring to the spawny 1-0 win at Swansea, Smith bestowed this gem upon the faithful:
“Defensively, it was what we wanted. They’ve had one big chance through Naughton. They could have had another hour against us and still not scored.”
And immediately after Blackburn – where the matchday ritual involved an ill-fed goat and many headless chickens – we were treated to this insight:
“I understand frustration and disappointment, but leave it until the end of the game, because otherwise it will just play havoc on players’ minds as well.
“There’s a lot of players out there that have won the title twice for this club and they probably don’t deserve some of the stick they got at times today.
“I know how it works. I know there is a narrative around me and the style of play. That was vociferous. It was not nice. It was not pleasant.”
Managerese is very much employed as a useful tool for the bamboozlement of the great unwashed, of course.
Take the current Todd Cantwell situation. The Dereham Deco seems to have become the Dereham Dobbin. Smith claims he is fully fit and raring to go. which is strange as there was no sign of him in the matchday squad once more on Saturday with a clearly unfit Marcelino Nunez considered above him in the pecking order for a spot on the bench and a late cameo.
Cynics might suggest this is because Todd has been sold and thus wrapped in cotton wool to ensure the January receipt of £750k plus extensive add-ons from an as-yet unidentified club in the Uhlan Bator Major League. Or perhaps the Christmas toys are out of the pram. The situation remains as clear as mid-Norfolk mud.
From mud to grit, or rather lack of it, and not just from those in Yellow shirts on the Carrow Road grass.
Fan consensus was that Norfolk County Council did absolutely nothing to prepare the pavements around the ground for pedestrians and the approaches were lethal. Said Council speaks their own version of Managerese too, of course, offering this standard example on their website:
Some footways in the pedestrian areas of central King’s Lynn, central Great Yarmouth and central Norwich are [also] treated as priority.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just to pick up on a couple of points from Gary’s article yesterday, firstly the “let’s ignore the ball boy and pile in anyway” incident. There is plenty of footage out there for those who haven’t seen it. Will we be charged by the EFL? I’ve no idea. Should we be, together with Blackburn keeper Thomas Kaminski who, probably unwittingly, instigated the whole thing?
I’ve got my own ideas on that one and I’m pretty sure you will have too.
Gary suggested a crowd figure of 18,000 which I would imagine being a pretty educated guess. Football fans do not need to employ Police crowd-counting techniques for accurate attendance estimates. We just instinctively know, especially on our own turf.
But my clocks all say Sunday, Dec 18, 2022, 13:25, and I cannot source the official attendance figures anywhere. Nowhere online and not even in my Sunday paper, which would normally comfortably have time to print the figure after a 17:30 kick-off.
Are 6,000 peasants on the missing list, Mr. Webber? Abducted by space aliens and/or Christmas shopping? I think we should have been told by now.
Reading this “I was there” view from the indefatigable Don Harold will not lift the mood of the reader:
“Wow, what a shocker. After about a month of exclusive access to the players, Smith and Shakespeare put out a team that does that!
“We were promised that the team would come back as a new animal and it seems to have returned as a mangy old cat, half crippled and very confused. The players don’t seem to know what to do other than play the ball across the back until they lose it. They don’t look fit. This is not surprising, as when I look at S&S I’m not filled with confidence that they spend too much time studying the latest fitness techniques [you naughty boy, you! – Martin].
“The crowd has turned. I don’t know how long the present regime will last, I fear they’ll be there until we can’t get promoted. I do know that the Carrow Road atmosphere will be unpleasantly toxic till then.
“Anyway my philosophy has always been that you shouldn’t let the football get in the way of a good day at the football. The company of friends and the pubs of the Fine City ensured that my mood on going to bed was much better than when leaving the ground.”
To end with I have this week learned that an On the Wall City Brick is for life, not just for Christmas, which in my case is just as well as there’s been no update on mine from NCFC’s Phil Gray and the marketing team. Maybe I’ll get some news on it in time for Christmas 2023?
*** Geezer, who is a renowned Villa supporter, also told me that Managerese is probably derived from the Old French dialect known as lesBalloques Venerables, and that its use was considered more acceptable from Smith in Birmingham as he is a local lad and could get away with most things to this very day as far as the Villa Park faithful are concerned.
Over to you, Geezer mate:
Another good read Martin.
Where I come from we refer to managerese as bullsh+t but is also considered a sure sign that somebody doesn’t know what they’re doing.
What we are witnessing at the moment must surely be the final throes of Delia’s reign.
Self funding was never going to work but kept alive due to Kieron Scott’s recruitment and Daniel Farke’s coaching. Unfortunately our clueless owners allowed both to leave and retained the climber.
Blaming the fans for losses, failing to communicate in an intelligent manner and ignoring their demands means that matters have now gone past the point of no return under the current ownership.
The board have now become paranoid to the point where the crowd attendance was not announced as it was nearer half the normal figure.
An absolute mess which I fear our owners have still not recognised judging by the way they are allowing their staff to treat the fans and in so doing are committing economic suicide.
Hi John
Yes indeed, hence the Les Balloques Venerables reference 🙂
Failure to release the attendance figure smacks of dishonesty, pure and simple.
*What we are witnessing at the moment must surely be the final throes of Delia’s reign.*
Most of us would like to think so but I’m simply confounded by the concept of this being the case as legally and technically there is nothing we can do to get her to quit and even if there was the will to vote her out that would be impossible due to the Smith family stakeholding in the club, which was acquired against the published wish of Sir Geoffrey Watling.
Nothing illegal, but surely the morality remains in question?
There appears to be no sense of shame either, so as sorry as I am to say it we appear to be stuck with her unless she has a Scroogian moment over the Christmas period.
Somehow I don’t see that happening myself.
Cheers
Merry Xmas Martin from one longtime totally bored norwich fan all the best mate .
Hi Kev
I suppose if I had to have chosen a season to miss it would have been this one 🙂
I’m going to try and make Blackpool but that’s a bit of a pipe dream right now.
All the best to you & yours.
Cheers
Morning Martin. Unfortunately, the different animal that came back from Tampa was, as a well known Scottish poet would say, a “wee sleekit couring timorous bestie”.
We were the mouse that didn’t roar (a film for those of a certain age). I’ve been patient, in the hope that things would improve, but Saturday was the last straw. In his after match interview, Smith referred to his style of play. I am still trying to work out what it is. It certainly isn’t football as I want to see it.
Hi Jim
I reckon that if each MFW article over the last six weeks came with commenters’ addresses we would have quite a healthy petition – and that’s just us!
Trouble is, there would still be no damn fool to present it too.
I remember the film – Peter Sellers I think.
Cheers
Two reasons why Smudger has not been sacked yet
1…the club cannot afford to pay him off,
2 Webber would look an even bigger fool if he had to sack him just over a year after he employed him! Its not just the coaching staff we want rid of though is it,The other Smith,Jones,Webber and Ward for starters!
Hi Tony
You’re spot on, of course.
Webber had that heaven-sent window of opportunity presented by the World Cup to act in as well
*Sleepy Joe* Wynn-Jones is indeed as responsible as the rest of them as assent by saying nothing is still tacit consent.
And there ain’t nothing we can do about it.
Cheers
What the 7 bells of hell is going on at the Carra, anybody speaking out appears to be deemed an enemy of the club. Its the same corporate garbage that the government come out with, anyone not supporting the government line is an enemy of the people.
We all want our club to succeed, to get back to the big time , we want to be the club with the high flying bird name and not the seagulls or the eagles . Brighton , wow look whats gone on down there while Delia has been caretaking City, risen from the ashes, a new stadium and now looking an established top flight team.
Last saturday I was celebrating becoming a septunagarian and i thought my daughter had booked the restaurant for 7pm, and she rings at 3 and says oops the tables booked for 5:30 , kick off time so no watching the first half with a beer before heading down to the curry. Sat down at the table 1-0 own goal Gibson, glad i am not watching .. Caught up with the highlights and Smiffy’s comments later. OMG he said that. looks like he wants the club and him and Shakey to go their separate ways as thats as big an I want out of here comment i’ve seen for a while..
Its a manic time of the year, with all this rushing around and shopping and crossing the t’s etc i can safely say that even Betty Lou’s got a new pair of shoes for christmas. Lets hope city fans get the present they want.
Hi Bernie
Betty Lou’s new shoes should be donned by somebody to kick some serious butt in NR1 – footballing folk of other tribes are laughing at us and I don’t like that.
Smith would probably make Rehan Ahmed bowl off a 10-metre approach if he were involved with Cricket England he’s that clueless. Well done to the young man btw!
At a combined age of 135 we’ve both seen bad but I’ve never felt quite this angry before and just very recently I feel I can include the last days of Chase in that.
It’s a truly dreadful situation.
Cheers
The hopelessness of our situation as fans is writ large. We either let the management and directors hear our feelings during the match knowing that it will have a detrimental effect on the players during the match, or wait till the final whistle when Delia, Michael and the rest are enjoying their next bottle of red in the boardroom.
The fans HAVE to let their feelings be known during the game, anything else is just a dilution.
Hi Don
I couldn’t agree more.
The silence of the pro-Delia faction both on MFW and elsewhere speaks volumes.
It seems like her and Wynn-Jones have absorbed a treatise by Marie Antoinette and Louis XI and decided on a full-scale re-enactment of their lives.
In some parts of France, particularly the Capital, she’s still known as Madame Defecit.
Maybe she is dreading facing the return against the Blades?
Cheers
Hi Martin
A cold and wet day up north in Blackpool and like city the unwashed are getting rowdy, Simon the owner is doing a great job up here but put a ligature around his neck when appointing Appleton who walked out of the club for Blackburn and that didn’t last long.
Who will pull the plug first Simon knows how rowdy and stubborn the Blackpool supporters are just look how many seasons under Oysten they protested at every home game and thecrowds dropped from 16k capacity to just over a thousand and I’m sure at the next home game if Appleton is still in place I will hear the noise from my house.
As we have said on many occasions on here and other communications Delia and Michael weren’t Geoffrey Watling choice but he wanted our and they were the only offer for a quick sale and 26years later they are still hanging on for grim life to the last vestige of celebrity status and a 2 weekly party paid by the club to impress other club owners.
The Webber/Ward combine should never have happened they are both so intrenched in the running of the club you will need a couple of clydesdale horse to drag them kicking out the door or possibly a Suffolk Punch or two..
Smith and Shakespeare plus cohorts fell on their feet coming to City a good squad, supporters that got behind the team and very little bad press for many a year, less than 18 months all that has changed mainly due to very poor coaching and incoherent utterings with a hang dig expression at every press conference.
Canwe expect a flurry of P45’s prior to Christmas I just can’t see it Smith and Jones will not want to payout compo and DS will not along with Webber fall on their plastic swords.
Could we see our new investor’s jumpship if the atmosphere turns toxic or our they hoping it will push Delia into dropping her price to do a runner back to Stowmarket only time will tell.
The media both social and press have run enough articles knocking the ownership of our club and their friends must surely have told them the gist of it all so is it stubbornness or petulance that keep them place or maybe they are closseted Ipshite supporters trying to take the club down and they will have failed if we get another promotion(Too much Fundador)
Hi Alex
Just dipped into the Guardian OBO [78-0, light meters out] and on return the MFW Twitter feed shows this:
*Why hasn’t Dean Smith been sacked yet?*
On my previous exit it proclaimed thus:
*To think after the traumatic nature of the last Premier league season, this was when we were meant to start enjoying football again!*
We can’t ALL be wrong, can we mate?
*Could we see our new investors jump ship if the atmosphere turns toxic or are they hoping it will push Delia into dropping her price to do a runner back to Stowmarket?*
All I know is that Mark Attanasio is ostensibly nobody’s fool – and Jeez knows we have enough of those on board already.
Cheers
Hi Martin
Question 1 what do all these have in common
Burnley
Blackburn
WBA
Sunderland
QPR (2 this season)
Blackpool (poor choice)
Stoke
Birmingham
Cardiff
Huddersfield (2 this season)
Hull
Luton
Middlesbrough
Rotherham
Watford
Wigan
Question 2 What do these have in common
Norwich
Millwall
Swansea
Sheff United
Reading
Preston NE
A lot of the clubs took a different look at this season and replaced dinosaurs with young progressive coaches and most haven’t taken 18months to settle to a style or first 11 yet city are still looking at what they need??
It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?
Delia is the coelacanth in all this. Thought to have died out many millions of years ago but discovered by scientists in the 20th century still happily digging through the mud on the bottom of the ocean.
The Smithosaurus has been the perfect foil for her antediluvian mindset. And will probably continue to be as she doesn’t have enough prehistoric plankton to pay him off.
Morning Mr P, nailed on as per. I wrote a post then that disappeared into the darkness of carrow road.
The only worthwhile thing I can add is Smudger said a few weeks ago how him and Yorick allow the players to say how they want to play. For footballers are a breed of not the quickest on the uptake. Any other coach will instruct the players how he wants to play building an identity, certainly not the other way round. It seems to me that is why we are witnessing such sh!t shows. All of Smudger inputs is what he wants off the ball and on. the rest is the players. Exactly what we are seeing is what many said of his teams at Villa. Exactly. no clue, no plan, no identity
He can say what he wants as he is secure in the knowledge his job is safe, until the end of the season , keep the party line, blame the paying supporters..for everything . Do not expect change, our own Edmund Hillary is away somewhere. and he will struggle to admit he is wrong., classic narcisstic behaviour.
My club is ruined and has been heading this way for 25 years, we warned years ago on my old web site, but it was a case of touch not the anointed.
What is left to say that hasn’t been covered far better than I can put.
Just to wish Yourself & Mrs P a very Happy, good and relaxing Christmas . Along with my best wishes for the New Year.
Hi Lad
Unlike Yorick, our Shakespeare has nothing of the skeletal about him and that’s for sure! He’s not much of a jester either – I find nothing even vaguely amusing about him anyway.
*Touch not the anointed* is very apt but even cranberries lose their popularity eventually of course. The inner circle probably continue to think everything is just fine but they can only, surely, sustain this by the use of both aural and visual blackout curtains.
The silence of Delia’s usual vocal backers continues, for the first time I can remember.
What a cracking opportunity this would be for Henry Winter of the Times to offer her a platform. But, hang on, is she really newsworthy any more?
I might be back for a final article before Christmas but if I’m not all the very best to you and yours for the holiday.
Cheers
Apparently Martin, a certain Mr Dennis has castigating the support on social media. If anyone can be bothered to read what he thinks
Hi Chris
There are many reasons why I avoid social media.
Cheers
🙂 hi Martin. I’m only going by the stream that accompanies this page. I avoid social media like the plague and Mr Dennis is one of the reasons
I’ve never felt the need to join the circus.
If I were still a working journalist I would by definition have to be a part of it, but taking a pretty early retirement I’ve managed to swerve the whole wretched thing.
In terms of game-changing tech advances and fads that come and go my *timeline* has been perfect – I’m no Luddite, believe me.
Good evening Martin.
Well Saturday night wasn’t.
I have reflected on that display and listened to differing opinions.
What strikes me is there are still people prepared to praise the team for Saturday’s performance.
According to some sources Jack Reeve thought we played well and Mick Dennis in line with Dean Smith blamed the fans. I feel it unfair to criticize Mick as he is in a very awkward situation as being so friendly with the owners. But I disagree strongly with both opinions.
Now there is a very likable lad who does Norwich Talk. And on Saturday I listened to his opinions on the game. Agreed with so much of it.
But then he said our present team is divided into the very good, mediocre and the blatantly crap. (My words) and put Grant Hanley in the latter.
I was truly shocked. Last season if it wasn’t for an inspired finish to the season by Teemu Grant would have been player of the year as he finished a clear second.
I make no bones about it I think Grant Hanley has been a fantastic player for Norwich City FC.
But while he has struggled slightly at times this season I still say he has been one of our better performers.
But it is clear to me this is the most fractious time at Carrow Road in many a year, not just between the club and the fans but even amongst the fans.
Someone said somewhere “you are 4th in the league, what are you moaning about?” to answer that you have to appreciate the Daniel Farke years.
It didn’t start very well that’s for sure. But us fans stuck with Farke that first year by and large because we could see what good football he was trying to play.
Also already this year Bournemouth, Forest and Fulham have competed in the EPL with far more conviction and competitiveness than we ever did last season. That is so bloody embarrassing. We are told we have to put up with self-funding and lump it.
Look at the attendance Delia, people are voting with their feet.
I suppose to the outsider booing your team when they sit fourth or fifth in the Championship does seem rather peculiar. But they have not had to sit and watch such poor football being played by a good part of the squad that the club’s own Sporting Director said were good enough for the EPL last season.
Smith keeps saying we are high up in all kinds of positive stats over the season, but what he didn’t say we are top of errors that lead to goals against.
It is the lack of a clear vision on how Dean wants this team to play. Do they close down from the front? sometimes, do they keep a tight line between defence, midfield and attack, sometimes, do they move the ball quickly enough, hardly ever. This goes on and on, the Sky boys presenting the show showed massive gaps between the defence and the midfield, acres of space.
Every persons opinion is valid. but 4 losses in 7 home games, one win in those 7 is a dreadful record by any championship side let alone one who have promotion aspirations.
I have heard from good sources that Dean Smith is a really nice chap, and I feel awful saying these things but Chirs Hughton and Bryann Gunn are lovely people, sometimes it just doesn’t work.
Smith has had enough time to put his mark on this side by now, especially as the championship is weaker than at any time over the last few years.
Blaming the fans, which he knows he will get away with it because of the contempt Delia and Stuart have for the fans, is a very bad road to go down. Where the hell is Todd ? did we really wait all this time for Hayden, why keep playing Sarge as a right winger?, Where was Andy O?, why was our passing so bad, where was Ramsey? so many other topics to discuss rather than saying its all the fans fault.
This is a really sad time to be a Norwich supporter.
Hi Tim
I think most people I know would put Hanley in the mediocre + category, presuming there is one.
Crap, as in pure $hite with no redeeming features, is reserved for the likes of a Husband, a Watkins or a Naismith, and no way does Hanley belong in that bracket.
There is no way we can get through this situation without saying things that are detrimental to others because life isn’t like that, is it?
We are all going round in circles – we have been for months now and I for one cannot see much changing soon.
Self funding is a con. It always was when you think about it.
And nobody likes being mugged off by something or somebody they love, even if a seemingly sweet old lady is the fulcrum of the con and has always done her utmost to sugar coat it.
Great comment – thanks.
The self-funding model is a con the Smiths have been peddling for years.
I suspect it will all come crashing down when people vote with their feet come season ticket renewal time.
And we all know that’s fast-approaching…
Surely the complete “self-funding” definition means that the club sell players/gain TV revenue in such quantities that they don’t need any revenue whatsoever from the fans??
Saturday’s comments following on after those of Richens and Webber actually show the contempt the club have for their fans.
Currently we have few sellable assets; the TV money is diminishing rapidly, and season tickets renewals are just around the corner…
Methinks a perfect storm is brewing at the Carra
Merry Christmas!!!
O T B C
Hi John
*Self-funding* is one of those useful little phrases that can mean whatever the author does [or doesn’t] want it to mean.
In many ways it’s a little bit like describing a domestic oven as *self-cleaning*.
It is and isn’t, kind of thing.
Merry Christmas!