I’ll be fine if Harry shows no interest in watching football… if he shows an interest in watching a team that doesn’t play in yellow and green, that will be a different matter.
My wife doesn't get how hard it is to write. She thinks that scripting a TV commercial is simply a matter of browsing YouTube and nicking an idea, whereas in reality� OK, bad example.
Last weekend, she was less than sympathetic when I indulged in a spot of sofa-kicking in frustration over this column. And not just because we happened to be in DFS.
'If you can't find anything to say this month, you never will,' she said. 'There hasn't exactly been a …
'Now begins a torrent of words and a trickling of sense.'
Theocritus, Greek poet (3rd century BC)
Theoklitos, Australian goalkeeper (2009)
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to the first game of the season tomorrow.
On the other hand, as a columnist with 800 words to write, I suppose I should at least have a stab at it�
The first thing to say is how fantastic it is that the …
A month on from the Valley of Death, the search for solace continues.
Even a tiny bit of solace. A quantum of solace, in fact.
(My physique has been compared to that of the current James Bond, I'll have you know. Admittedly, the comparison took the form of 'You're no Daniel Craig, are you?')
But the crumbs of comfort on offer are, well, pretty crummy.
We won't have to endure trips to Portman Road or Selhurst Park in the league …
'Kevin was not quite like other boys; but he was afraid at last. A tremor ran through him, like a Charlton attack pounding the Norwich defence; but at The Valley one wave followed another till there were hundreds of them, and Kevin felt just the one.
'Next August he was standing erect in the River End again (until he was told to sit down), with his scarf around his neck and a drum beating within him. It was saying: 'League One will be an …
On Tuesday evening, I cooked dinner for my wife, did some of her ironing and even sat through an hour of Hell's Kitchen with her. (Not as difficult as I thought it would be, having endured three hours in Hell's Toilet last Sunday…)
For this coming Saturday, I've suggested that we go for a family picnic in the park at midday and take a boat trip on the Thames later in the afternoon. I've even pledged to leave my mobile phone at home so that the children have my …
Like most families, the Baldwin clan has a number of its own catchphrases which are trotted out at particular moments.
For example, there's 'I'm thick of thoup' (that's 'I'm sick of soup' as spoken by a young, lisping child) � used when the same meal is served up with monotonous regularity.
'People like a buffet�' is quoted whenever someone makes a wilfully contrary and unhelpful remark. (This originates from the time my wife …
To some of my friends who don't support City, I'm like the boy who kept crying 'Wolf' � the only difference being that I keep crying 'relegation'.
�You say the same thing every year around this time,� they say. ('Around this time' meaning around February 2nd, or Groundhog Day, which they also keep bringing up…) �But you never do go down, do you?�
This nonchalant certainty about our safety might be reassuring, except that it's …
'Football changes with a flick of the finger, it changes very quickly�' � Glenn Roeder, after the Charlton game last Tuesday.
Well, that's one thing he got right � even if he didn't realise that the finger was about to flick the switch on his ejector seat.
The atmosphere at Carrow Road on Saturday was transformed immediately by his departure, as was the performance on the pitch. And how great it was to hear 'He's got no hair but we don't …
Is it just me, or are we all condemned to turn into the very people we once disdained?
And does that initial disdain stem from the dim awareness that we are likely to turn into those people one day � just as we are apt to condemn others most strongly for failings we know ourselves to have?
I've been thinking about this stuff quite a lot lately � partly because the continuing lack of a job is leaving me with far too much time on my hands, but mainly because I missed the …
Now I think I may have an idea why Glenn Roeder came out with his already-infamous 'England manager' remark at last week's AGM.
Of course, the obvious explanation is that he's not a very nice man. After all, Neil Doncaster gave us fair warning of this, commenting at the time of his appointment that: 'We talked to a number …
Well, who'd have bet on us sticking five past the league leaders?
Unless you're part of a Far East gambling syndicate, of course. (Only joking, lawyers.)
It just goes to show that those people on the message boards bemoaning the state of the team, and in particular the heavy use of loan players (as distinct from the use of heavy loan players as we saw with John Hartson last season), know nothing.
Actually, I'd better qualify that before I'm taken …
You'll have to excuse me, I feel a bit funny.
Or rather, I don't. Not funny ha ha, anyway.
The thing is, I've 'entered a period of consultation' with my employer.
It's a horrible euphemism for what it actually means, but then there's no nice way of putting it.
Perhaps I should be grateful they didn't say they were 'letting me go', which I assume is meant to conjure up the image of a majestic animal being …
The week before the season started, a friend asked me how I thought City would fare.
As The World's Most Non-Committal Columnist�, I of course said I had no idea, though I did try to elaborate on that by considering what Donald Rumsfeld would term the 'known unknowns': how long it might take the team to gel, the possibility of injuries, and in particular the occurrence or not of a turning point.<br …
I still haven't started writing my sitcom.
The Spanish for Absolute Beginners course I bought a few months ago is still in el boxo. (Evidently.)
And my intention to get fit in readiness for the day when my young son wants to have a kick-about in the park (which cannot be far away, judging from the power with which he's now belting his Winnie The Pooh ball against the neighbour's fence�) remains a mere intention.
Once again the close season has …
So, we've all had the weekend to catch our breath and get our heads straight about the events (or as it turned out, the non-event) of the last fortnight. Everyone clear about everything?
No, me neither.
I've been trying to think of a suitable analogy for the situation, and the best I've come up with is this ad from Thailand which was featured on Jimmy Carr's Commercial Breakdown a …
I suspect it's not the done thing in journalistic circles, but I'm about to encroach on the territory of a fellow columnist. (That's what working in advertising does to your professional ethics, though we never admit to stealing other people's ideas; rather, we are 'inspired' by them.)
You're doubtless aware that two of Mick Dennis' favourite themes are: a) arguing that we should appreciate what we have at Norwich when we look at how other clubs are …
So that's it, then. We ended up in a lowly 17th place and had nothing at all to play for on the final day.
Well, thank St Glenn (who should replace St Jude as the patron saint of lost causes) for that.
It's such a relief to have survived. It's no exaggeration to say that I'd become haunted by the prospect of falling through the trapdoor to League One.
The portents of doom seemed to be everywhere, from the voice in the lift at work taunting me …
(Poet's Corner: 1)
A Stone in the Horseshoe
We have an appointment
To be a fly in the ointment,
A banana on the pavement,
A horizontal rake.
A traffic light on red,
A bug in the bed,
The mould on the bread,
The cherry stone in the cake.
A pain in the neck,
A thorn in the side,
The tree on the track,
The mud on the slide.
A spoke in the wheel,
A chip in the mug,
A spanner in …
Who do I start with? The players? The manager? The board?
I know ? Ronan Keating, that's who. I've never liked him.
It's not just that ridiculous roaring noise he makes when he sings, though that's bad enough. (Ronan, you sing it best when you sing nothing at all.)
What really gets me is the way he warbles about how 'Life is a rollercoaster and you just gotta ride it…' with a big grin on his face as if it's fun or something.<br …