Kevin Baldwin

For this coming Saturday, I've suggested that we go for a family picnic in the park at midday and take a boat trip on the Thames later in the afternoon. I've even pledged to leave my mobile phone at home so that the children have my …

For example, there's 'I'm thick of thoup' (that's 'I'm sick of soup' as spoken by a young, lisping child) � used when the same meal is served up with monotonous regularity.

'People like a buffet�' is quoted whenever someone makes a wilfully contrary and unhelpful remark. (This originates from the time my wife …

�You say the same thing every year around this time,� they say. ('Around this time' meaning around February 2nd, or Groundhog Day, which they also keep bringing up…) �But you never do go down, do you?�

This nonchalant certainty about our safety might be reassuring, except that it's …

Well, that's one thing he got right � even if he didn't realise that the finger was about to flick the switch on his ejector seat.

The atmosphere at Carrow Road on Saturday was transformed immediately by his departure, as was the performance on the pitch. And how great it was to hear 'He's got no hair but we don't …

And does that initial disdain stem from the dim awareness that we are likely to turn into those people one day � just as we are apt to condemn others most strongly for failings we know ourselves to have?

I've been thinking about this stuff quite a lot lately � partly because the continuing lack of a job is leaving me with far too much time on my hands, but mainly because I missed the …

Of course, the obvious explanation is that he's not a very nice man. After all, Neil Doncaster gave us fair warning of this, commenting at the time of his appointment that: 'We talked to a number …

Unless you're part of a Far East gambling syndicate, of course. (Only joking, lawyers.)

It just goes to show that those people on the message boards bemoaning the state of the team, and in particular the heavy use of loan players (as distinct from the use of heavy loan players as we saw with John Hartson last season), know nothing.

Actually, I'd better qualify that before I'm taken …

Or rather, I don't. Not funny ha ha, anyway.

The thing is, I've 'entered a period of consultation' with my employer.

It's a horrible euphemism for what it actually means, but then there's no nice way of putting it.

Perhaps I should be grateful they didn't say they were 'letting me go', which I assume is meant to conjure up the image of a majestic animal being …

As The World's Most Non-Committal Columnist�, I of course said I had no idea, though I did try to elaborate on that by considering what Donald Rumsfeld would term the 'known unknowns': how long it might take the team to gel, the possibility of injuries, and in particular the occurrence or not of a turning point.<br …

The Spanish for Absolute Beginners course I bought a few months ago is still in el boxo. (Evidently.)

And my intention to get fit in readiness for the day when my young son wants to have a kick-about in the park (which cannot be far away, judging from the power with which he's now belting his Winnie The Pooh ball against the neighbour's fence�) remains a mere intention.

Once again the close season has …

No, me neither.

I've been trying to think of a suitable analogy for the situation, and the best I've come up with is this ad from Thailand which was featured on Jimmy Carr's Commercial Breakdown a …

You're doubtless aware that two of Mick Dennis' favourite themes are: a) arguing that we should appreciate what we have at Norwich when we look at how other clubs are …

Well, thank St Glenn (who should replace St Jude as the patron saint of lost causes) for that.

It's such a relief to have survived. It's no exaggeration to say that I'd become haunted by the prospect of falling through the trapdoor to League One.

The portents of doom seemed to be everywhere, from the voice in the lift at work taunting me …

A Stone in the Horseshoe

We have an appointment
To be a fly in the ointment,
A banana on the pavement,
A horizontal rake.